1 July 2003
I’m feeling down in the pits today. No surprise there, since I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. In fact, I think tomorrow and the days after will be no different.
I feel like I have no direction in life. I’m merely living out each day until the day I die.
Death. What a fascinating concept. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to take the knife to my wrist and then watch my blood drain away.
The world around me seems to pass by its own accord. Not caring if I’m there or not. I’m simply a fixture to my family members. Especially my dad. And my brother.
Oh, they notice me alright. It’s what keeps them gambling, you see.
I’m tired. Very tired. And perhaps none but you, dear diary, will understand.
13 July 2003
I spent the entire day at Borders in town today. Seems like the only place where I can escape my troubles for a while. Told my dad that I had to finish a few projects which is sort of true, I guess.
I didn’t really want to stay at home to listen to my dad’s lectures. When you have listened to one, you’ve listened to them all. Besides, it didn’t appear as if he has a very good opinion of me, except for perhaps my money.
Anyway, let’s not talk about my dad.
Let’s talk about the guy I saw instead. He was the most gorgeous guy I ever saw. Brown streaks through dark hair which kept falling over his intelligent eyes, well-built physique clothed stylishly. He was like a dream come true.
I thought he was looking my way once but it turned out that he was merely searching the titles on the shelf behind me.
Oh well, I guess I’m too ordinary to deserve a second glance.
But, I wish…never mind. I’ll never be good enough for anyone.
20 July 2003
guess what?! My dream guy actually approached me to make friends!!
I was in Borders again today, hoping to catch a glimpse of him and he actually approached me!!
I am sooooo happy.
His name is Nicholas Liu. Doesn’t it sound wonderful??
1 September 2003
Nicholas has asked me to be his girlfriend!! I said yes of course. What else could I say? I’ve loved him since the day I first saw him.
Oh diary, this must be the happiest day of my life.
I am so happy.
13 November 2003
Nicholas is behaving so strangely these days. He seems to be giving in to every one of my whims, something he didn’t use to do in the past.
Could he be doing it to appease his troubled conscience? I wonder.
25 November 2003
my friends had been telling me how they saw Nicholas with another girl. They described how intimate Nicholas seemed to be with this mysterious girl.
“Be careful.” They all said, “He may be seeing another woman.”
I don’t want to believe them.
My Nicholas couldn’t be this unfaithful to me, or could he?
It’s hard to believe how he could have been so careless with my feelings.
NO. It’s impossible. My Nicholas wouldn’t do this to me.
25 December 2004
this will be my last entry because I won’t be here long enough to write another.
Even now, I could feel the darkness poised to claim me as the blood drips from my wrist but I must resist. I must.
At least until I’ve set down the last chapter of my life.
It’s raining out there now, all dark and gloomy. Much like how my heart feels right now. Much like how I felt when I saw Nicholas walking hand in hand with another girl my age.
She was so pretty. So much more than I can ever hope to be.
Dark hair framing a face so sweet, my heart felt like it was pierced a million times.
She was also wearing the butterfly hairclip I was admiring the other day with Nicholas. He had promised to give it to me as a birthday present.
Perhaps it’s better if I leave this cruel world, It had never taken much notice of me anyway.
Even if I die here in my room, no one’ll even know until the stink starts invading their space.
Well, it’ll be my farewell gift I guess.
At least my father and brother’ll be happier at not having me around. They’ve hated me since the day I was born. Since the day mom died.
Sometimes, I wish….
** News Flash:
A 23-year-old Chinese woman who slashed her wrist was found in her room after her family members discovered a stink coming from it.
A diary found among her belongings revealed that she was a victim of severe depression.
Her distraught boyfriend, Nicholas Liu was found weeping over what seemed to be the deceased woman’s last entry while his cousin stood by… **
Look ma, that cousin sure has a beautiful hairclip. Wonder where I can get a similar one??